On the 12th January 2015 on my birthday I received a call that led to the break up of my 5 month engagement and two year relationship. Yup crushing right? To be totally honest deep in my heart I knew a break up was going to happen at some point. My relationship with God had dwindled for a start and I had not been growing and flourishing in the relationship. Also my mum was against the relationship in every way possible. You might ask so why did you even stay in the relationship or say yes to a proposal? Honestly the answer is I had convinced myself that he was “the one” and as much as I hate to admit it I had kinda made an idol out of the relationship in a sense that I didn’t want to let go of it.
Looking back I was definently wrong, anything that was making me shaky and distracted should have been axed. Also what is the “the one”(side eye)? Instead of praying and asking if he was “the one” I should have been looking at the character and actions of his and mine to see if I/he was ready for a relationship. I should have been checking to see if he was the kind of guy I would want to marry and could lead me in the word of God. Was I even the kind of girl that should have been considering marriage at that point in life?
When I reflect back I always think WHAT WAS I THINKING!?
You may have just broken up with the future “one”. Whether it be a broken engagement or a long or short term relationship. I have some encouragement for you to help you along your way.
1. It’s okay to cry.
Cry a river. In fact cry an entire sea. Cry as much as you need to until you can not cry anymore. I personally don’t cry very easily. I am not a movie crier or someone who crys when I see something really sad but when I broke up with my ex I cried alot. I would cry randomly during the day at first and even in prayer but I knew it was normal to cry after something like this. You are technically grieving the death of your relationship and any plans you may have made together about life. It might sound dramatic but that is the way I saw it. You are most likely sad and hurt and when we are sad and hurt sometimes we cry. So don’t feel bad if you cry just try not to stay crying for let’s say a year (over exaggeration) because your life is NOT over.
2. It’s okay to feel embarassed (just don’t stay embarassed)
After I broke up with my ex I remember going to do some food shopping and bumping into someone I knew. They stopped me and the first thing they asked was “Where is your ring?” Making me explain that I was not engaged anymore. Honestly I was sooooo embarassed, after that if someone was inviting me out I would make an excuse not to go. Like why would I go out in a group for everyone to ask me about wedding plans? Mate! I will stay at home. I avoided EVERYONE. I even stopped attending my church and made some flimsy excuse as to why I wasn’t attending( this is another story all together since I did not seek out proper counsel in the beginning of the relationship). Please DON’T do this. We will all feel embarassed at some point in our lives so don’t completely hide out. Spend time with really good friends and family.You need people to hug you, pray for you and love on you in a situation like this. If people that love you don’t know your situation they can’t help you. You will eventually be able to speak about it without any embarassment.
3. It’s okay to not want to talk about it to everyone.
Above I mentioned not to run away and hide from people but you don’t have to go out of your way to tell everyone the story. You can stop with I am no longer engaged. You don’t need to answer every question. We live in the internet era where we post our relationships online for everyone to see. The downside to this is if it didn’t work out everyone knows your business and probably wants to know what happened. Don’t feel pressured it’s okay, keep private what needs to stay private (Hopefully you have learnt what not to do/post on the internet next time just like I have). Till this day approximately four people know about what actually happened between me and my ex and that is fine by me. If someone asked me about it I would respond with “I don’t want to talk about it right now”. What can they really say?
Also please discern who is actually asking out of genuine care and not wanting to just gossip. I could tell from how I was approached and from their track record lol if they were genuine. If you have not spoken to someone in years, they happened to see your intial engagement post and are now asking what’s going on because you have deleted all your couple pictures. Leave that one to the side, it’s not by force. You will know who is really for you so don’t feel compelled to tell everyone just because it was initially shared on social media.
4. It’s okay to delete your ex from your social media accounts.
While some may consider this immature I see it as a VERY smart move. This did not happen straight away and we were messaging and even receiving calls up to a point due to the situation, but all in all it needed to happen. I mean, why would I need to see my ex’s posts everyday? How exactly would I heal and move on? How would it be beneficial for me? I had the potential to be a stalker and chose to be team NO STALKING! My heart could not be divided. I was focused on working on things because I was so confused in my spiritual walk and wanted to be focused on God.
I honestly feel like people that don’t remove some level of contact don’t actually want to move on. Just my opinion and observation. Let me know if you feel I am wrong because I am very open to opinions.
5. It’s okay to miss them.
You will always have memories together and they can never be erased. What is important is what you do when you miss them. When I missed my ex (and sometimes still do) I did not act on those feelings or contact him. I kept myself busy with activites. You can serve at church, you can read all the books you have been wanting to read, you can travel. I moved to Korea 6 months later and worked on strengthening my relationship with Christ that had gotten so weak. I actually got rid of everything that reminded me of him because there was no use for it in my life and it made me miss him.
I leave you with
This relationship just wasn’t meant to be (unless the Lord leads you otherwise in the future). In my opinion a broken engagement/relationship is better than a RUBBISH marriage regardless of the embarassment you may be feeling. Now that two years have passed I can see that the breakup was a blessing in itself. I have so much more to say on this topic, maybe in another blog post.
I encourage you to spend time with the Lord in His word, pray and allow Him to heal you. No rush just focus on the Lord and live a life pleasing onto Him. Everything is made beautiful in it’s own time.
You are not the first and you will not be the last person this will ever happen to so don’t beat yourself up about the fact that it didn’t work out. Make sure to pray and reflect over it so that you don’t make the same kind of choices twice.
What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun (Ecc 1:9)